"Hero Envy" The Blog Adventures

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

FANTASTIC FOUR ANNUAL #2 (1964)

OUT OF THE BACK ISSUE BIN

Views and Reviews of Comic Books from the Past

John "THE MEGO STRETCH HULK" Cimino

FANTASTIC FOUR ANNUAL #2 (1964)

Written by: Stan Lee

Drawn by: Jack Kirby

Inked by: Chic Stone

This is a king-size issue dedicated to the mighty, majestic, master of Marvel malice himself; Dr. Doom! Yes, this second annual for The Fantastic Four is absolutely packed with "72 BIG PAGES" of superhero goodness. The first part starts off with the bread and butter of the issue, a full-blown origin story of Doctor Doom told for the first time. Then a reprint of Doom's debut in Fantastic Four #5 follows, along with 11 pages of pin-ups. Ending everything off is a brand new Fantastic Four/Dr. Doom story - which means that this "double length epic" is chock full of action and adventure as only Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and the Mighty Marvel Bullpen can bring you. How could any red-blooded kid resist such a magnificent issue during the summer of 1964??

Simply put: They couldn't!!

This 12 page story is what makes this comic so memorable. First off, the title itself is enough to get my mouth to start salivating. Doom's origin story is one of my all time favorites for a fictional character. It has a very Gothic-type-fairy-tale quality to it, beginning when he was but a wee young lad, the son of a gypsy healer in the Bavarian Alps. When the local baron's wife falls deathly ill, he has his men take the older Von Doom by force, demanding that he save her with his healing arts (or else). Von Doom is unable to do so, however - she's simply too far gone - and he is thus hounded through the woods, doing whatever he can to protect his boy, and eventually dying from the strain. The young Victor Von Doom swears vengeance (but of course) so it progresses rather nicely when he discovers that his dead mother had been a sorceress. He then finds a strange chest containing all manner of magical artifacts and paraphernalia. Using these magics and his own mechanical genius, he soon begins a campaign of swindling the upper class through a variety of tricks and potions, nobly giving all his ill-gotten gains to the poor. These such actions gave the character such depth that many might find it incredible that Marvel's greatest villain of all first began as a strange sort of Robin Hood, waging class warfare against the aristocracy!

Before long, Doom's numerous inventions bring him to the American attentions of State University, who offer him a scholarship on the spot. There he meets (and instantly dislikes) a young Reed Richards, who instead becomes fast friends with football star Ben Grimm. One day, Reed stops in at Doom's dorm room while he's out, and reads over Doom's notes about his newest invention, having to do with "matter transmutation" and "dimension warps" (kid's got some big ideas). When Doom appears at the door, Reed tries to point out a few mathematical errors, but the arrogant Doom banishes Reed from his room, and goes on to try the experiment anyway. The machine explodes, disfiguring Doom's face and causing his expulsion. Subsequently turning his back on the world, he goes into seclusion, tracking down and then training with a hidden group of secret Tibetan monks. Months later they address Doom as master and he has them create an ominous suit of armor... now fully garbed, he is ready to finally take his leave and return to the world as Doctor Doom!

There have been a few theories regarding the initial accident, and the status of Von Doom's face. Doom is said to be horribly scarred in the explosion, which is why he had to go into hiding (as Stan Lee's dialogue describes). However, Jack Kirby would later say that the explosion only gave him a slight scar. And Doom being possibly the most vain character in the Marvel Universe, witnessing this imperfection declared himself unfit to be seen by the world. Later Doom instructs the monks to set the iron mask upon his face while it was still red-hot (notice the steam from the mask while it was being placed on his face in the picture above) and disfiguring it even further. This makes the story much more compelling in my eyes, while making Doom's horribly scared face the result of his ego and pride.

With another epic title, the main story opens with the Thing losing control of the Fantasti-car and he is forced to bring the rest of the Fantastic Four in for a rough landing on the Manhattan streets. As they crash into a car, the owner jumps out and starts laying into the Thing, yelling about damages and remuneration and the like. Up walks another man, however, introducing himself as an art dealer and offering to buy it from the driver on the spot. As soon as the cash trades hands, he asks the Thing to bust up the auto even more, claiming he'll sell it as an original "Clobber Creation!" (Who says this isn't the World's Greatest Comic Magazine)

Meanwhile Doctor Doom (who was last seen drifting off into deep space at the end of Fantastic Four #23) is picked up by the time-traveling pharaoh, Rama-Tut. At first, Rama-Tut claims that Doctor Doom is clearly his ancestor who created the time machine which the Pharaoh's own time traveling sphinx was based on. But then they get to wondering if the two of them might actually be the same man, at different points in his life: Does Doom eventually travel to the 25th century and start calling himself Rama-Tut? Or, alternately, will the Pharaoh take a visit to the past and become the gypsy who would one day call himself Doctor Doom? It's really a very bizarre conversation. The time logic gets even weirder, in fact. Rama-Tut suggests that the two of them team up to take down the FF, which has now defeated them both, but Doom says that they can't attack together - because if they're the same person, and the younger version is slain, the older version will die too. So Rama-Tut instead just drops Doom back on Earth, to pursue their vendetta on his own, and goes to live his conquering life back in the 25th century. (Yeah, I don't get it either but hey, it's all about the fantasy... right? ... Right??)

As the plot gets underway, our heroes receive an invitation to a gala at the Latverian embassy, honoring them with a scientific fellowship A few panels later we see them at the event, where Sue comments, "Reed, I'm rusty on my current events! Who is the actual ruler of Latveria?" Well that question will be answered later as the Fantastic Four's drinks are drugged and they quickly hallucinate and turn on each other before discovering Doom as the culprit.

Knowing Doom's grudge is mainly with him, Mr. Fantastic comes face-to-face with his arch-nemesis, has a toast to their upcoming battle (which is a great scene) and whips out a crazy device he invented called: The Encephalo-Gun (nice Stan Lee name and Jack Kirby design right there)! This device, pits both of the combatants' willpower against each other, and whoever loses... is sent away to a timeless limbo forevermore (yup, you read that right). In what could be the mind vs mind battle of the century readers are subsequently shocked to see Doctor Doom actually win, gloat over Reed's disappearing form, and then walk away satisfied. Sue is quite confused at Doom's actions, and asks Reed for an explanation - now seen casually leaning against the door - who points out that the gentleman's toast which Reed offered Doom before their duel was spiked with the same drug that had been used against them earlier that night, causing Doom to merely imagine his final victory against his foe (Huh??).

HERO ENVY REPORT CARD

Story: 5

Art: 5

Action: 3

Flow: 3

Reread Factor: 5

Overall Grade: 4

(grading numbers 1 thru 5, with 5 being the highest)

I absolutely adore the early Marvel annuals, especially when they had the different colors on the title letters. Something about it screamed Supa-Dupa-fun to me! That only enhances the incredible Jack Kirby cover that shows the FF struggling in the grip of this magnificently terrifying foe... Dr. Doom! While Doom's origin was flawlessly scripted, it was the second story that hurt the overall flow of the issue. I sometimes had to check out of the story to scratch my head due to some of the strange scenes; the convoluted interaction between Dr. Doom and Rama-Tut, the bizarre Encephalo-Gun, and the final ending with liquid hallucinogenics involved (hey, it's the 60's). But this is what the Silver Age of Comics was all about. Outlandish scenes and events mixed in with fantastical characters that grabbed our imaginations and took us on a magical ride. I always return to these type of stories and you should too...

Agree, disagree? Let's hear it fanboys!

OTHER "OUT OF THE BACK ISSUE BIN" REVIEWS

AVENGERS #164, 165, 166 (1977)

http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2012/01/avengers-vol1-164-165-166-1977.html

FROM HELL (1989)
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2015/11/from-hell-1989.html

THE COMING OF THE AVENGERS (1963-1965)
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2016/03/the-coming-of-avengers-marvels-first.html

John Cimino

John Cimino is a Silver and Bronze Age comic, cartoon and memorabilia expert that runs a business called "Saturday Morning Collectibles." He buys, sells, appraises and gives seminars on everything pop culture, so if you got something special, let him know about it. He contributes articles to ALTER EGO, RETROFAN, BACK ISSUE and THE JACK KIRBY COLLECTOR from TwoMorrows Publishing, runs the Roy Thomas Appreciation Board on Facebook and has appeared on the AMC reality show Comic Book Men. He also represents some of comicdoms biggest stars and brings them to a Comic Con near you. John likes to think he's the real Captain Marvel, people just don't have the heart to tell him he's just an obsessed fanboy that loves to play superheroes with his daughter Bryn. Contact him at johnstretch@live.com or follow him on Instagram at megostretchhulk.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

HULK OR HOLOCAUST

TALES FROM THE TOY CHEST

Stories of Childhood Toy Triumph and Tragedy

John "THE MEGO STRETCH HULK" Cimino

CASE NUMBER: 002665-PO
HULK OR HOLOCAUST

CHAPTER 1:
ENCOUNTERING IRON-ON INSANITY

Age: 6 years

Date: 1979

Place: Star Market/CVS

Location: Waltham, Massachusetts

Our story starts when I was walking into a Star Market grocery store with my mother and older brother. Entering the store you would always pass by rows of gumball machines that lined the entrance way. On this particular day, I noticed one that I hadn't seen before. It had a Wonder Woman and Spider-man image on it. As I walked up to it, I saw superhero Flicker magnets and Iron-On fabric patches all for 25 cents each. But the premium that intrigued me the most was The Incredible Hulk (my favorite superhero of all and who I was totally obsessed with) iron-on patch. It was glorious!! The way ol' Jade Jaws was holding up his heavy concrete "HULK" letters somehow spoke to me in ways even I couldn't understand. All I knew was I had to have it! I asked my mom for a quarter and she said "Not now, I'll give you one when we are done shopping." So into the grocery store we went, I could only dream of having that patch in my hands. Where would I put it? On my shirt? On the back pocket of my Toughskin jeans? The possibilities were endless. I couldn't wait to get it.

Walking by this gumball machine took me on another delusional superhero adventure.

Maybe I was totally delusional, maybe I just had a ton of youthful enthusiasm, but for some reason I thought I was going to get that Hulk patch no matter what the odds were. So when the shopping was done, my mother gave my brother and I each a quarter to test our luck. My brother got a big gumball and I went to face the vending machine that had my dreams within it. As I placed the quarter in, I took a deep breath and turned the crank... clunk... clunk... ping! Now came the moment of truth. As I lifted the metal flap, the white plastic bubble fell into my little hands. I hastily popped it open ready to jump for joy until my excitement quickly turned to utter disdain as I noticed I got a Wonder Woman flicker magnet... ARRRGGHH! I begged my mother for another quarter but she wasn't going to budge so I left the store wracked with despair.

For a while this patch would haunt my dreams. You see, I suffer from a major case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), so when I became fixated on something, I couldn't stop thinking about it. And being obsessed with the Hulk at a time when he was incredibly popular due to the live-action series on television starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno made matters even worse. So I had to tough it out until my mom had to go shopping again.

About a week later I was with my mother in a CVS pharmacy. Looking around in the toy aisle I noticed a bunch of packs of Spider-man and Hulk iron-on patches hanging on a rack. They looked very similar to the Hulk and Spider-man patches I saw from the vending machine in Star Market. My heart began to race as I thought that maybe... just maybe...the Hulk patch that I wanted so badly could be here within reach. I looked through all the packages mumbling a prayer to God to throw me a bone. But despite my great divine effort, all the packages of patches were exactly the same. Defeated once again, I left the store empty-handed with my head hung low.

These were the packs that I dug through in CVS; Spider-man and Hulk Iron-on Patches by Gordy (1978). Even when I see them today they still fill my heart with dread.

Over the next few weeks I collected quarters like a madman. I panhandled, scoured the streets, searched my school hallways, looked under furniture, basically anywhere and everywhere just to increase the odds and get that Hulk iron-on. I had amassed a pretty respectable amount of quarters when I finally got to go shopping with my mother to Star Market again. Once she parked I ran to that vending machine with two pockets full of quarters (I can remember having to hold up my corduroy pants). But to my horror the superhero premiums that plagued my mind for the last month were replaced by miniature army men. How could this be?? Thoroughly drained by my self-imposed mental anguish and iron-on insomnia, I had to leave the supermarket, once again, empty-handed with my head hung low.

Somehow I put this all behind me and probably got fixated on other superhero toys but that blasted Hulk iron-on patch was always in the back of my mind... lurking...

CHAPTER: 2

THE COOKIE CRISP CAPER

Age: 11 years

Date: 1984

Place: Star Market/My parents house

Location: Waltham, Massachusetts

Cereal was always a BIG part of the Saturday morning cartoon ritual throughout the years of my adolescent life. Heck, it still is today (but it's even better because I get to enjoy it with my daughter). One of the cereals I loved to eat was Cookie Crisp. What kid wouldn't love the sugar rush of miniature chocolate chip cookies in milk for breakfast while watching their beloved toons on the tube? It was right up there within the hallowed halls of the Monster cereals: BooBerry, FrankenBerry, and Count Chocula as one of my perennial favorites.

What kid wouldn't want to eat this not-so-nutritious-stuff while watching cartoons and reading comic books on a Saturday morning?

Now my mom wasn't hip due to being right off the boat from Honduras, but she was at least hip enough to know that I shouldn't have this type of (sugar-saturated-to-the-max) cereal. She would mostly get Corn Flakes, Cheerios, Rice Krispies, and if I was lucky Frosted Mini-Wheats. I guess keeping me in control was hard enough for her to handle without the added sugar rush. But on those rare occasions she gave in and let me have the super-sugary stuff (probably to stop me from constantly asking her). So it was always a bit of a challenge to get some of the cereals I liked.

On this particular day while reading comic books, I came across an ad that was going to put that challenge (and my OCD) to the test. This ad showcased the Hulk telling the "True-Believers" to pick up a box of Cookie Crisp cereal to send away for free Marvel comic books (with proof of purchase seals). WOW! If that wasn't enough to get me to beg my mother for a box (and it was), it stated that Marvel iron-on patches were free inside every box. WOW!! That's even better. Just then I remembered my quest for the Hulk iron-on patch that eluded me 5 years ago and how I was devastated over it. BAH! Today was a new day and I was positive that a new Hulk iron-on patch would be lurking within this box of tasty goodness and I was going to get it. Almost instantly I had a major plan of attack on my mother.

The ad in my comic that fueled my instant plan of attack.

First thing I did was go into my parents cabinets and throw away all the cereal in the house. There were two big boxes of Cheerios so I had no shame in tossing out those dreadful boxes of bland awfulness (in the neighbors trash of course). Then I went up to my mother and asked her for some cereal to eat as a snack before dinner. When she looked in the cabinet and saw nothing there I could tell from the perplexed look on her face that she could've swore she bought some not too long ago (hee... hee... hee...). So I asked her if we could go get some and luckily she needed a few other things. Just like that, we were off to the Star Market up the street (you gotta admit, that was great).

In the car I asked her if I could get some Cookie Crisp because I hadn't eaten a good cereal in a while. Probably remembering that the last cereal she got were those two boxes of Cheerios she said yes (I'm on a roll now). Once we hit the Star Market I took off to the cereal aisle and saw the beautiful boxes of sugary Cookie Crisp goodness! As I took the box off the shelf, I looked closer to the Spider-man ad in the lower right corner. To my amazement I saw a picture of the same Spider-man iron-on patch that was in the gumball machine 5 years ago. Holy Moley, I was totally shocked by this! And once I turned the box around to see the back of it I almost passed out in total disbelief!!!! Not only was the Spider-man patch the same, but the Hulk iron-on patch that I so desperately wanted was available as a premium as well!! This was too good to be true! I had another chance at greatness and all I had to do was pick the right box.

It was great to see one of my favorite cereals with a toy prize inside which I loved. But when I noticed it was the Spider-man iron-on from the gumball machine years prior, I was totally shocked.

When I turned the box over to see the other iron-on patches available, I almost passed out when I saw that ever-elusive Hulk iron-on I have been dreaming about for the last 5 years was there! Nothing was going to stop me from getting it this time... NOTHING!

With only 4 iron-on patches available in this set (2 Hulks, 1 Spider-man and 1 Captain America), I liked the odds. So far everything from my plan was working perfectly, how could I lose now? I mumbled a couple of prayers, closed my eyes and picked a box. As I caught up to my mother I sat in the carriage staring at the Cookie Crisp box and feeling good about my choice.

When we finally got home the anticipation was killing me. I went into the basement bathroom because I wanted total privacy when I opened the box to get my prize and not fight over it with my brother. As I dug into the cereal box I shoved a few of those tasty cereal pieces into my mouth (Yum!). I felt the patch near the bottom of the box and yanked it out. To my shock I got the Spider-man iron-on... DAMN!!!!! I was furious! I wasn't going to be denied this Hulk iron-patch again! I had to think of something in order to get back to the Star Market as soon as possible to get another box. As long as there was cereal in the house my mother would never get me more, so I decided to dump out the entire contents of cereal into the toilet and flush it down the drain. It took a total of 3 flushes to get rid of everything and while I was doing that dirty deed I had come up with another plan.

The next day in school I thought about my plan of attack on my mother. The more preoccupied she is the more things fall in my favor. Usually when she picked me up from school, she is just getting out of work with a million things on her mind, and with the grocery store right down the street I had to time things perfectly. Moving like clockwork as soon as she picked me up I instantly said that we needed more cold cuts and soon enough we were back in the Star Market (what a move I pulled off).

Now the tricky part began on convincing her to buy me more cereal (and "bad" cereal). As she went to get the cold cuts I ran to the cereal aisle and pressed my luck by getting two boxes of Cookie Crisp. I figured I came this far, why not test my luck even further. Worst thing that could happen is she would tell me to put at least one of them back. As I boldly approached her with the two boxes in my arms I said; "I'm sick of Carlo eating all the cereal! And since these boxes are kinda small I'm getting two." Time seemed to stop for a moment as my mom looked at me perplexed (did I overstep my bounds?). Just then the butcher gave her the cold cuts and interrupted her train of thought. Then she said to me, "Let's go, I need to make dinner." And just like that I made the impossible happen (sometimes I can even freak myself out).

When we got home I did the same thing and grabbed the two boxes of cereal and went to the basement bathroom to get the privacy I needed away from my brother. I reached deep down into the first box and got...Captain America... DAMN!!! Then I tore into the other box and got... Spider-man again!!! CRAP!! That was it. I was done. It was over. The Hulk patch eluded my grasp once again and I was out of ideas. No way in hell was my mother naive enough to let me get another box of cereal, I had to accept defeat. I was mad as hell but I was too exhausted to fight fate anymore. Eventually the superhero promotion ended never to be seen again. But on a positive note, even though I was soundly defeated I did enjoy a few weeks of Cookie Crisp cereal before Cheerios creeped back into the cabinets once again.

CHAPTER: 3

THERE SHALL BE AN ENDING

Age: 12 years

Date: 1985

Place: My aunt's house

Location: Manchester, New Hampshire

About a year later my family went to go visit some of our relatives. Prior to going on this trip I packed a few things for the ride. I happened to bring my prized sticker book that had everything from He-man to Universal Monster stickers in it (it was pretty impressive with hundreds of stickers). It also happened to have my two Spider-man iron-on patches as well as the Captain America one that I pulled from those Cookie Crisp boxes a year earlier.

When I eventually met up with my cousin Augustine (who was also a Spider-man fan and into comic book collecting) and after formalities we hung out in his room. As he was showing me his stuff I noticed he had a few random baseball cards and stickers in a pile on top of his dresser that I began to shuffle through--and wouldn't you know it, he just so happened to have that blasted Hulk iron-on patch mixed in there with everything else. I was completely flabbergasted! I asked him where he got it and he said from a box of Cookie Crisp a while back. He wanted the Spider-man iron-on patch but was never able to get it (his mom, which was my mom's sister, didn't like him eating sugary cereals either). Wouldn't you know it, I had that Spidey patch with me in the car in my sticker book. He was completely shocked when I got it and traded it to him for his Hulk patch. I guess we both got what we wanted after much heartache that day. What an incredible ending to this crazy journey and even more so because that was the last time I ever saw my cousin.

And just to let you all know, I still have this patch in my private collection that I'm giving to my daughter. Hope she enjoys it as much as I have...

I love these gumball novelty items because they always bring back some good ol' crazy kid memories.

to be continued...

Other Tales From the Toy Chest:

THE HULK ROLLER SKATES DEBACLE
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2011/11/hulk-roller-skates-debacle.html

THE STEALING OF THE SUPERHERO STAND-UPS
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2011/11/stealing-of-superhero-stand-ups.html

BATMAN COLORFORMS AND MY DAD

http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2011/11/batman-colorforms-and-my-dad.html

MY TOP 15 GREATEST TOYS EVER
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-top-15-greatest-toys-ever.html

THE MANGLOR MESS UP
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-manglor-mess-up.html

SUPER MARKET SKIRMISH: THE PDQ INCIDENT
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2014/05/super-market-skirmish-pdq-incident.html

THE TOP 10 GREATEST G.I. JOE FIGURES EVER
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2015/08/the-top-10-greatest-gi-joe-figures-ever.html

THE WRANGLING OF WRESTLEFEST
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2016/05/the-wrangling-of-wrestlefest.html

IN SEARCH OF THE "HOLY GRAIL" OF HULK

http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2011/06/in-search-of-holy-grail-of-hulk.html

CAPTAIN ACTION
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2017/12/captain-action-first-and-greatest-super.html

MY TOP 10 GREATEST TOY LINES EVER

http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2018/02/my-top-10-greatest-toy-lines-ever.html

THE INCREDIBLE HULK RAMPAGING ON MY MAIN STREET

https://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2021/05/the-incredible-hulk-rampaging-on-my.html

John Cimino

Monday, June 2, 2014

THE TOP 10 MOST BADASS HEROES EVER

THE TOP 10 MOST

BADASS HEROES EVER

John "THE MEGO STRETCH HULK" Cimino

"There is NOTHING I can do to him that would cause him the agony that he has brought upon others. But I can come CLOSE."

We appreciate Superman, Spider-man, Captain America and the like because they fight crime with a moral code of ethics and hold themselves to a higher standard than most people of the world. These are the type of characters that remain an inspiration to all and define the meaning of "superhero." They fight by the rules and would never lower themselves to the level of their greatest enemies. Yes, we know who these characters are, they taught us right from wrong and no matter how tough times got, they never falter.

But what of those other heroes who always seem to have a hard and nasty edge to them? That certain class of reckless ultra-violent types who’s behavior would be otherwise deplorable, but tend to get healthy nods of respect (and fear) in the superhero world because their ways are channeled through righteous indignation, making them effective tools in the fight against evil, even if their methods are distasteful and given their cause, only marginally acceptable as good. These are the type of characters that became much more prevalent during the Bronze Age of Comics (starting in the early 1970's). They took comic adventures from a more innocent time into a dark and grittier new realm of reality. These "vigilante" or "anti-hero" types became instant fan-favorites with their "take no prisoners" approach to justice and continue to thrive even to this day.

For this write up, I ranked the 10 most badass, anti-heroes, vigilantes, thugs, brutes or whatever you want to call them (let's just be glad they're on our side), and based each character on their; style, look, intimidation, motivation, reputation, brutality, and personality. So don't expect to see those goody-two-shoes heroes that don't want to cross the line because most of these guys -- have no line! I just ranked the baddest of the bad; the ones who want stop evil dead in its tracks -- with no exceptions and by any means necessary...

10.) MARV

"You can scream now if you want."

Marv is a big man with an unusual level of speed which, coupled with his well-developed fighting skills, incredible strength and pain tolerance, allow him to bring down with startling ease nearly anyone who challenges him or breaks his personal code of ethics. He suffers from an unnamed mental condition that causes him to "get confused", which, involves short-term memory loss and possibly hallucinations. He also fears turning into a maniac or psycho killer. Lucille, his parole officer, supplies him with medication (presumably anti-psychotics) through her girlfriend Claire to control these effects of his condition. Claire, a psychiatrist, once tried to analyze him, but he claims she got "too scared."

9.) LOBO

"So that's how you want to play it? Fine. Contract calls for the main man to put on a show for the locals. So one more time: Surrender or die."

Lobo is a Czarnian, and works as an interstellar mercenary and bounty hunter. He only has one rule: once he takes a contract, he finishes it no matter what and no matter how much destruction and blood-shed is involved. He possesses superhuman strength, endurance, durability and healing. He was declared immortal; after he died and went to hell, he proved too much for the demons, and when he was then sent to heaven, he wreaked so much havoc that he was permanently banished from the afterlife.

8.) GHOST RIDER

"Look into my eyes. Your soul is stained by the blood of the innocent. Feel their pain!"

Stunt motorcyclist, Johnny Blaze is a human who can transform into a skeletal superhuman being with a flaming skull and supernatural powers. The motorcycle he rides can travel much faster than conventional motorcycles and can perform seemingly impossible feats (such as scaling the sides of buildings and riding on water). As the Ghost Rider, he possesses immortality, superhuman strength, reflexes and durability. His Mystic Chain inflicts major damage, but it's his "Penance Stare" (that has the ability to inflict upon victims all the pain the victim has caused others) that is his greatest weapon when fighting against the forces of evil and the corrupt.

7.) HELLBOY

"Didn't I kill you already? You goddamned monster!"

Hellboy is a well-meaning demon whose true name is Anung Un Rama ("and upon his brow is set a crown of flame"). He was summoned from Hell to Earth as an infant demon by Nazi occultists during WWII (spawning his hatred for them). He was discovered by the Allied Forces; amongst them, Professor Trevor Bruttenholm who would raise him as a normal boy. In time Hellboy grew to be a large, red-skinned man with a tail, horns (which he files off, leaving behind circular stumps on his forehead), cloven hooves for feet, and an over-sized right hand made of stone. He possesses superhuman strength, healing and endurance and has been described as smelling of dry-roasted peanuts. Although a bit gruff, Hellboy shows none of the malevolence thought to be intrinsic to demons, he has a strong sense of humor and will crack jokes even in the most dire of circumstances. Hellboy is highly-trained and works for the United States Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (BPRD), an international non-governmental agency, fighting against evil dark forces and supernatural activity.

6.) RORSCHACH

"None of you seem to understand. I'm not locked in here with you... you're locked in here with me!"

Walter Kovacs continues his one-man battle against crime long after superheroes have become both detested and illegal with the persona of Rorschach. Rorschach considers his mask his true "face" and his unmasked persona to be his "disguise." He is extremely right-winged, and morally uncompromising, a viewpoint that has alienated him from the rest of society, even among other superheroes. Rorschach presents his views on right and wrong as starkly black and white with no room for compromise. He holds deep contempt for behavior he considers immoral and is openly derogative of heroes who do not share his unwavering views, deriding them as "soft." Rorschach is well versed in street combat, gymnastics, and boxing. He is also extremely stoic, as shown by his indifference to pain and discomfort. Despite his mental instability, Rorschach is extremely intelligent and was described as "tactically brilliant and unpredictable" by Nite Owl, and possesses surprisingly good detective and lock picking skills.

5.) CONAN

"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women."

Conan was born on a battlefield and is the son of a village blacksmith. He matured quickly as a youth and, by age fifteen, he was already a respected warrior who had participated in the destruction of the Aquilonian outpost of Venarium. After its demise, he was struck by wanderlust and began legendary adventures, encountering skulking monsters, evil wizards, tavern wenches, and beautiful princesses. He roamed throughout the Hyborian Age nations as a thief, outlaw, mercenary, and pirate. Conan was famous (or infamous) for his great strength, endurance, hand-to-hand fighting skills, and mastery of weapons as well as his occasional "beserker rages" and legendary conquests of the female flesh. As he grew older, he began commanding larger units of men and escalating his ambitions. In his forties, he seized the crown of the tyrannical king of Aquilonia, the most powerful kingdom of the Hyborian Age.

4.) DARKWOLF

"Don't hunt for death boy. It finds us all soon enough."

The mysterious Darkwolf from Ralph Bakshi and Frank Frazetta's animated film Fire and Ice (1983) has a burning hatred for the evil Queen Juliana and her son the megalomaniacal, Nekron. As Neckron magically sends forth waves of glaciers, forcing humanity to retreat south towards the equator, Darkwolf knows it's up to him to stop them or it could mean the end of the world. Possessing extraordinary strength and endurance, Darkwolf is the perfect warrior. He is trained in the arts of war, highly proficient with his axe and in hand-to-hand combat. He is able to enter a "berseker rage" that can overcome even the most powerful of magical control. Darkwolf is also well-versed in the arts of survival, including tracking and hunting making it possible for him to live in the harshest of conditions. He is an intimidating presence to all, enough so that even mad-starving-wolves cower in his presence. While this character never appeared in a comic, those who have seen the animated film will understand that Darkwolf deserves his place among the greatest badasses ever (and if you doubt me, go see it).

3.) THE PUNISHER

"You're a monster, and I'm killing you. It's not complicated."

The Punisher is a relentless and brutal vigilante who employs murder, kidnapping, extortion, coercion, threats of violence, and torture in his war on crime. This extreme method puts him at odds with many heroes within the Marvel Universe. Driven by the deaths of his wife and two children (who were killed by the mob during a shootout in New York City's Central Park), the Punisher wages a one-man war on the mob and all criminals in general by using all manner of conventional war weaponry. He is in peak physical condition and possesses an incredible amount of willpower. As a war veteran and marine of the U.S. military, Frank Castle is a master of martial arts, stealth tactics, espionage, guerrilla warfare, and a wide variety of weapons. And truth be told, although the Punisher isn't the most powerful on this list, he could well be the most feared. How "badass" is that?

2.) WOLVERINE

"I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do isn't very nice."

Born James Howlett and commonly known as Logan, Wolverine is a mutant who possesses animal-keen senses, enhanced physical capabilities, and a healing factor that allows him to recover from virtually any wound, disease, or toxin at an accelerated rate. It also slows down his aging process and enabled him to survive having the near-indestructible metal adamantium bonded to his skeleton. Wolverine is a no-nonsense, tough, anti-authoritative hero with a willingness to use deadly force to get the job done. He is an absolutely ferocious opponent who will sometimes lapse into a "berserker rage" while in combat. He is highly intelligent, fluent in various languages and an expert in multiple types of weapons, vehicles, computer systems, explosives, and assassination techniques. Due to his extensive training as a soldier, CIA operative, samurai, and spy he is almost unmatched in hand-to-hand combat, having mastered virtually every fighting style on Earth. He is also well versed in pressure points and the art of espionage. Wolverine is so "badass" that he has his very own sound effect--SNIKT!

1.) BATMAN

"By day, I am Bruce Wayne, billionaire philanthropist. At night, criminals, a cowardly and superstitious lot, call me... Batman."

Batman is the secret identity of Bruce Wayne, an American billionaire, industrialist, and philanthropist. Having witnessed the murder of his parents as a child, he swore revenge on criminals, an oath tempered with the greater ideal of justice. As Batman, he operates in Gotham City, assisted by various partners and fights crime with a moral code; he does not kill and he would never use a gun. Although he does not possess any superhuman powers; he is physically at the peak of human ability in dozens of areas, notably strength, endurance, and willpower. Intellectually, he is just as peerless; Batman is one of the world's greatest scientists, criminologists, and tacticians, as well as a master of disguise and escape artistry. He can speak all languages and is regarded as the world's greatest detective. Rather than simply out-fighting his opponents, Batman often uses cunning and planning to outwit them. He is an expert in all forms of fighting and acrobatics, as well as multiple types of weapons, vehicles, computer systems, and explosives. He is arguably a Renaissance man in the sheer variety and depth of his knowledge and skills making him perhaps the most dangerous and intimidating man on earth. I'm sure it's no surprise that Batman is the most "badass" hero (or character for that matter) ever created in fictional fantasy.

Agree? Disagree?? Let's hear it fanboys!

Check out other Hero Envy "Top" Lists:

Top 10 Superhero Capes of All Time
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2012/06/top-10-greatest-superhero-capes-of-all.html

Top 10 Greatest Captain America Moments
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2015/06/the-top-10-greatest-captain-america.html

Top 10 Most Evil Villains in Comics

http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-top-10-most-evil-villains-in-comics.html

Top 50 Greatest Marvel Slugfests of All Time (1961-1999)
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2011/05/marvels-top-50-greatest-slugfests-of.html

Top 5 Weirdest, Wackiest, Worst and Downright Despicable Cartoons Ever Made
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-top-5-weirdest-wackiest-and.html

My Top 20 Greatest Hulk Stories Ever
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2016/12/my-top-20-greatest-hulk-stories-ever_3.html

Doctor Who: The Top 5 Greatest Doctors Ever
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2014/12/doctor-who-top-5-greatest-doctors-ever.html

My Top 30 Greatest Super Heroes of All Time
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2015/01/my-top-30-greatest-super-heroes-of-all.html

The Top 20 Greatest Stretch Figures of All Time
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2017/06/the-top-20-stretch-figures-of-all-time.html

The Top 5 Greatest Feats of Strength of The Incredible Hulk
http://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-top-5-greatest-feats-of-strength-of.html

The Top 20 Greatest Legion of Doom/Road Warriors Collectibles of All Time

https://hero-envy.blogspot.com/2021/06/the-top-20-greatest-legion-of-doomroad.html

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

SUPER MARKET SKIRMISH: THE PDQ INCIDENT

TALES FROM THE TOY CHEST

Stories of Childhood Toy Triumph and Tragedy

By
John "THE MEGO STRETCH HULK" Cimino

CASE NUMBER: 41890-Z

SUPER MARKET SKIRMISH: THE PDQ INCIDENT

Age: 9 years

Date: 1982

Place: King's

Location: Watertown, Massachusetts

While driving home with my mother after a long day of shopping at Bradlees, she decided to make a pit stop at King's down the street to get some groceries. What was interesting to me about this was that my mom usually went to the Stop n Shop in the next town of Waltham where I lived. I didn't have a clue why she stopped here. I guess it doesn't really matter, food shopping was food shopping... but little did I know, I was in for another adventure (in my mind anyway).

Walking in with my mom I noticed that King's wasn't like any super market I've ever seen before. I was used to places like Star Market, Waltham Super Market or Stop n Shop but King's was way different than those typical grocery stores. It was like a giant warehouse with food, produce and canned goods all in open cardboard boxes on the shelves for cheap prices. I guess you could say it was like a smaller BJ's or Cosco from what I can remember. But what was even more intriguing to me was that King's had food products I've never seen before.

Enter: PDQ Chocolate Milk Flavoring by Ovaltine. Now, I've seen and drank Nestle Quick chocolate mix with milk many times before, but never PDQ. Maybe this wouldn't have left such a big impression on my young mind, but when my sharp eye noticed a little Spider-man picture on the front of the bottle, I immediately walked over to investigate it.

Taking the jar off the shelf, I looked at it closely and read that "free" inside was one of ten Marvel Super Hero Stickers. As I turned the jar, I saw on the back was a picture of the Spidey sticker available in the set and... gulp... my favorite superhero of all -- The Incredible Hulk! My heart soon began to race. As I looked at the bottom of the bottle, I noticed you could only see the back of the sticker so there was no way I could tell who was on it... ARRGGHHH! I then started to look at the bottom of all the jars on the shelf with no luck, every sticker was face up in the bottle. The only way to see what superhero on each sticker was, was to open the jar and dig for it. But honestly, how could I do that? I guess when you're a super hero child addict like myself, you have to find a way. And I certainly would...

Once I saw the Hulk on the back of this jar it was all over for me.

First thing I did was ask my mother if I could get a jar of this chocolate drink mix. Predictably she said "no." So there was no way I could take a one in ten chance at luck to get the Hulk sticker. What else could I do? Then it hit me -- I will go looking for the Hulk sticker myself. And I won't be playing by societies rules. Today little Johnny Cimino will be playing by his own rules even if it gets him into trouble. He's going to go digging for that Hulk sticker and take him home -- at any cost!!

As my mother walked off I told her I would catch up to her later (it's the early eighties so nobody watches their children). Then I surveyed the area. I noticed there was a small gap between each shelf section. If I was going to go digging through these containers, I had to put the chocolate flavored mix somewhere. That gap was the perfect place to dump it in so I could get to the sticker at the bottom. The biggest problem (besides getting caught) was that I had to dump the ENTIRE contents of the jar on the floor in that space. Oh boy, oh boy... I better get that Hulk sticker as soon as possible because there was going to be a huge mess... gulp!

I had a 1 in 10 chance to get the Hulk sticker...and I was going to get him no matter what the odds were!

I looked around and noticed nobody was in the aisle with me, the moment of truth was at hand. I thought to myself; "Once I get the Hulk sticker, I'm outta here..." I grabbed my first PDQ jar off the shelf and twisted the cap off and then ripped the protective paper seal underneath it (I can clearly remember smelling the fresh chocolate mix). I took another look around before I leaned myself next to the gap between the shelves and poured out the entire chocolate mix into it. I have to say, the fact that the mix were these little chunky pellets/beads made it easier for it to fall between the gap. If it was a powdered mix then it would've been harder to control and it might've fallen anywhere and everywhere (oh, lucky me). Anyway, the first jar was completely empty as the sticker trickled down into my hand. I looked with anticipation -- it was Spider-Man!!! Damn it!! I shoved the sticker in my pocket with frustration. Now I had to do the entire process again. As scared as I was, nothing was going to stop me from getting that Hulk sticker.

I managed to repeat this process again. As the sticker came trickling down it was Captain America... ARRGGH! I did it again, it was Storm... ARRRGGGHHH!! And again, it was another Spider-man... ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I couldn't keep this up. I was starting to become more nervous than before because even though I managed to hide the empty jars behind the unopened ones, the pile of PDQ mix was getting so high between the shelves that it was starting to seep into the aisle. What a disaster!! Time was also running out, my mother had to be close to finishing up her shopping so I had to move faster.

I grabbed another jar, repeated the dastardly process and got -- Spider-man again!!!! I loved Spidey, I always will. But honestly, I HATED him that day! I was getting so mad that I began to cry and pray (in my haste I didn't notice the contradiction that was -- hey, I was only nine years old). Now I was starting to tremble in rage and fear because this was honestly getting ridiculous with all the open jars and chocolate mix on the floor.

I needed a small break to regroup so I quickly ran out of the aisle to see where my mother was and I noticed that she was still shopping gleefully. When she saw me she told me she was almost done and we would be leaving soon. I said okay and as I raced back to the aisle, I knew I had only one more chance.

As I nonchalantly walked to the section, I saw an elderly couple walking in the aisle shopping for stuff. I froze with fear because if they saw the enormous pile of PDQ mix, they would let the manager of the store know about it and put an end to this outrageously obsessive quest I was on. But luckily, they never saw it and walked right past it. I then scooted pass them and returned to the heinous ritual. As I did the starting process of twisting off the cap and then ripping off the paper seal, the couple was still shopping in the aisle. I was pressured for time so I went about the dumping as usual (this time the pile was spilled over and easy to see by everyone) and wouldn't you know it, here comes ol' Jade Jaws himself trickling down the jar and into my hand -- The Incredible Hulk sticker!!! What perfect timing! I couldn't believe it! After emptying six bottles of PDQ mix, I got the sticker I craved, and I was back with my mom walking to the checkout line.

When I got home, I proudly put all the stickers in my sticker book and the Hulk, was of course, the crown jewel of my collection. I made my peace with Spider-man and the next day I stuck one of the Spidey stickers on my pencil box at school. I looked at it every day like a badge of honor (yes, I was deranged and I'm going to Hell). I eventually lost those stickers and my sticker book as well. Years later, scrolling through EBay auctions I saw the entire set of the stickers for sale, and I hastily bought them and still have them to this day.

THE END??

It's funny that I never went back to King's again and it was eventually torn down. Looking back, I have to wonder how I managed to get away with this debacle. Back then many stores didn't have high-tech security cameras, but I was so naively blind to everything around me when it came to superheroes that I just got lucky. And I have to wonder what became of that pile of PDQ chocolate mix. It had to be such a shock for the manager to see and I really do feel bad for the person who had to clean it up... sorry (did I say I was going to Hell).

to be continued...